Blog Post 3/26
Up until the age of nine, I was a complete Daddy’s Girl. My dad traveled for work Monday through Friday, but on the weekends I would follow him around. There are so many things I remember learning from him.
He taught me how to hold my breath under water. He taught me to try everything and then decide if it’s for me. By the age of nine I had eaten frog’s legs, escargot, sushi, ostrich, rabbit, and venison. He would buy a bunch of raw oysters and shuck them on the back porch, and I ate them faster than he could shuck them. I was three or four. He loves to travel, and we visited every state in our motor home over the years.
All of this is why it was especially hard on me when my parents divorced. I didn’t understand why my dad had chosen another family over his own. I have a stepmother and four stepsisters, the youngest being born just before my parents split. My dad is the only dad she’s ever known. I still struggle with this, and I’m almost forty-two. They are all incredibly close, and I know he’s lived a full life, even though I wasn’t by his side for most of it. There’s not a thing that he wanted to do that he hasn’t done.
My father was diagnosed with bladder cancer in 2014. I saw him more in that year than any of the previous years. I realized he was trying to create memories and be the dad he hadn’t been in a long time. The last time I saw him was June 5th, 2016. I knew in my heart it was the last time I would see him alive. His cancer was progressing and none of the various treatments he’d tried were working. He had the first of many surgeries in January 2017, and nothing went his way. Nothing. He had many complications and other health issues pop up. As soon as one thing was taken care of, something else came up.
I talked to him for a long time on Christmas Day. We never had much in common or anything to talk about, but this time I could tell him that I had been accepted by a publisher. He knew I self-published, but this was a way to show him I had succeeded. He could be proud of me. I realize my thinking is flawed, but I have sought his approval for too many years for it to change now. He told me that his latest scans were coming back clean. His tumor was so small they couldn’t find it.
Imagine my surprise, then, to be told now that his tumor has not only grown, but that it has invaded his body. I’ve worked in the medical field. I know what it looks like when cancer metastasizes to the brain. I’ve witnessed that type of death. I know how fast it moves. I should have been prepared for the news; after all, he’s been sick for a long time. But all the tiny if impossible hope inside me that one day we would have the type of relationship I’ve longed for is being stripped away. There’s no time left.
I’m going to visit him this weekend. I don’t even know if he’ll recognize me. His brain is betraying him. Cancer is insidious, and none of his attempts at experimental or mainstream treatments mattered in the end. He was given two years to live about two years ago, and it burns to know he got better just to die anyway.
I will schedule my posts for early next week so that on the outside everything stays the same. But nothing is going to be the same.
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Oh, Lara, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Know that you have a lot of people in the cyber-world holding your hand. As both a nurse and a daughter, I’ve been where you are. I understand. Sending you hugs.
Sally
Thank you. It’s been rough; worse because I’m not there. I hate that I know what he’ll go through in the next few weeks.
I am so sorry to hear about your father. I too am a daddy‘s girl and always start to get his approval. Luckily for me my dad is still around and doing well. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have my dad or my mom around to help me especially with all my medical issues. I am really close with my dad and I am sorry to hear that you never had that kind a relationship. I know he tried later on in life to create more memories, hold onto those and the ones you have try to remember the good along with the bad. If there’s anything I can do let me know, all of my prayers will be with you.
It’s been rough. I thought I was prepared, but I’m not at all.
I’m so sorry. Please know that we are all praying for you and sending you love.
Thank you so much.
I love that picture of the two of you. You know I am hugging you tight. Please take this opportunity to say what you need to say. Even if he does not understand, say it. Be strong. Keep in mind that you have always been there for him to reach out to, and you have always reached out to him. No regrets Lara, no regrets. If you have done everything within your power to nurture and sustain a relationship for which he moved on, then no regrets on your part. You cannot control the actions, thoughts, or decisions of others, only yourself. I know you, you are not to go visit with any type of guilt. You love him, and in his way he loves you, even though he did not meet your expectations. It’s okay to be mad at him, to feel hurt, to be jealous of his other family. You are a wonderful person, and have been a wonderful daughter. Keep these thoughts in mind. Call me if you need me, I am but a phone call away. xoxo Denise
Thank you, Denise. One good thing that came from his cancer is that we began telling each other I love you again.
Lara, your story is similar to mine. I lost my dad to a variety of cancers including bladder. It has been almost 5 years. I still expect to see him in certain places.
He took us lots of places and gave us what he could. Most of all love.
I feel for you in this. It is rough going to lose a parent, I am praying for you. Take gentle care of yourself.
Deb C.
Thank you. I hate that cancer takes so many people.
I understand the pain you are going through more than you know. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Denise Johnson is right take this visit to say what you need to say whether he understands or not you need to do what is right for you to have a modicum of peace. I took that opportunity in 1987 when my father was in a coma to tell him that I loved him and though I knew he had never approved of me I had to do what was right for me and live my life doing what I loved and believed that it was a life that would honor my Heavenly Father. My point is I don’t regret having taken that opportunity to say what needed saying. Take care of yourself.
Thank you, that’s so kind of you.
Words fail me right now. I am sorry that someone so amazing as you has to go through something as grueling as this. I watch my mom go through this when my grandpa was sick and on his death bed. He was in AZ and she resides in MI. I have a small understanding of what you are going through. I am hugging you tightly right now and I am always here if you need me.
Thank you. The hugs are needed and appreciated.
Lara, I am so so sorry. I don’t think there are many out there today whose lives haven’t been touched by cancer. It is cruel and has affected my immediate and extended family enough times in my adult life. The hugs I am sending you might only be virtual, but they come from the heart. Please draw strength from all of us standing with you. xxx
It is a shame how many lives are affected by cancer. Thank you for the hugs. It’s helped to know how many people are there for me.
I am praying for you!!
Thank you so much.