Blog Post 4/16
I am not usually good at opening up. I like to keep to myself, to avoid showing feelings. One of my stepsisters just informed me that I’m an open book. She can read on my face when I’m uncomfortable in a room full of people, or whatever emotion I’m feeling. I consider myself an introvert, so even if the world can see how I’m feeling, I don’t voice it out loud. I don’t do small talk with strangers.
But I figure if I can’t open up to all of you, there’s no reason to connect with me. I’m just words on a screen unless I show you how I’m feeling. So here goes.
I’m struggling. I didn’t have a good relationship with my dad. I didn’t always like him. He forgot my birthday way more often than he remembered it. I didn’t receive presents, cards, phone calls, or visits on Christmas. I was easily forgotten; my sister, too. We were the unfortunate byproduct of his first marriage, reminders of the woman he divorced. To listen to those eulogizing my father, he was a great man. He inspired others to do their best, to try everything at least once, to make a plan and work that plan until the outcome was successful. People repeated phrases they’d learned from him that I never heard from his mouth. They spoke of his unwavering commitment to his family. He had honor and integrity and never let anyone down once he’d made a promise.
How can I reconcile these two different people? The dad to four girls that aren’t genetically his, the devoted grandfather to their combined eight kids. When I spoke to my sister about our father’s passing, the thing that stuck with me was that she never could get over the fact that he didn’t want to be her father. He actively chose another family. I suppose I dreamed that one day he would tell me how sorry he was, that he regretted not spending time with me and my children. He made a bit of an effort once he was diagnosed four years ago. I see now that he thought those times together were enough to make up for a lifetime of absences. High school graduation, college graduation, walking me down the aisle, the birth of his grandchildren.
When someone you love, someone you need, has time on his hands to devote to whatever he chooses, and he doesn’t choose you, that leaves a mark. I think this is where my grief is stemming from. There is never another chance to fix what’s been done. I made mistakes with him, plenty of them. I don’t react well to having my feelings hurt to that level. Sometimes I still feel like the nine-year-old girl he left behind. Small, insignificant, and not worthy of his time.
I spent the weekend trying to do for me. I cried a lot. I didn’t begin to heal as I expected. Monday brought back all the work that goes into being an indie author, and the day went quickly. There’s no timetable on grief, they say. I don’t know exactly what I’m grieving for. I went to visit my sick father and ended up watching him die. One thing I never expected to participate in. I rarely even knew when he was in the hospital or declining in general. I was holding his hand when he took his last breath, and he was surrounded by all four of my stepsisters and his wife. I’m grateful that I had the chance to be there. I’m sad that it happened. I’m sad for what will never be. That’s the stuff that hits me in the middle of the night and takes my breath away.
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I don’t have the words to make the hurt and pain go away but I can offer a shoulder, even from far away, for you to lean on. It takes a huge amount of bravery to make such a private part of you public. I hope you find healing, even just a little, as time goes by.
I really appreciate it. I believe time is what it will take.
I feel so sorry for you Lara. I had an almost similar situation with my father also. I was never close to him growing up. He divorced my mother and married her best friend from college. They had 2 kids that I only met once. He died quickly from a heart attack. He left his life insurance to the 2 kids he had after he remarried. When we attended his funeral no one there knew he had my two brothers and me in a previous marriage. Saddest day ever.
Countless people came up to me and asked how long I’d known Jim and from where. The shock on their faces when I explained I was his daughter was priceless. Mom always said it was his loss, but it was definitely mine.
You have the right to feel resentment and bitterness but please don’t let it fester inside you. Please consider a little counseling to help deal with these feelings. You were a child and the fault was his. You’re a wonderful writer and a great online friend!
I’ve been thinking hard about how to go about finding counseling services I can afford. I think it’s festered over the years, for sure.
Oh, Lara. I am so sorry that you have had to deal with this terrible sense of rejection and loss for so much of your life.
When my grandfather died, he had so many people saying the same kind of words about him as your father…myself included. My mother struggled so greatly. The last four years of his life, they had ‘reconciled.’ That didn’t keep her from hearing the words he had spoken to and about her, her entire life.
He told her outright that she was the byproduct of two stupid kids, who got married very young and didn’t have the sense to know that one broken condom didn’t guarantee pregnancy, so the stopped using them altogether.
He freely admitted that he wished she had been a boy, and when her brother died, he told everyone that, ‘if it had to be one of my chhildren, why was it my son.’
Even though the last 18months of his life softened him, and he spoke kindly to and about her…and even though he apologized for the cruel things he said, she still struggles with the burden of 50+ years of being told she was a second rate mistake.
I wish I had words to pour out like balm, to heal your spirit. I can tell you that you have value. I can tell you that indeed, you are of great worth, and so very precious.
I can tell you that God never made a mistake, and your father was foolish to have turned his back on the blessing he was gifted.
I can say all of those words, and many more, but words cause damage so much more easily than they heal it.
I am glad you opened up. I hope that many of your readers will take the time to tell you how much they value the words that you have given us.
Your mind is a beautiful place, and your heart for others spills over into your stories.
I will pray for your comfort, and that you will find healing for your wounded heart.
You are beautiful and strong. You have so much to give to this world…and I am grateful that you are in it.
*huggles*
That’sMzPeachesTYVM
(Mary-Lyn)
You are such a sweet woman. You had me tearing up. It’s difficult to understand why people can be so cruel. Every time I made an effort to know him, to spend more time with him, he rejected me. I ended up spending years not speaking to him, which I have now found out (some of) his family blames me for. He could do no wrong in some people’s minds. It’s insane. Suppressing those feelings became impossible when I heard he was going to die and it’s all come back with a vengeance.
I understand completely how you feel. I know it hurts…it hurts a lot. I will be 61 soon; however at this time 40 years ago and 7 months pregnant I lost my mother in an auto accident. It was an extremely difficult one. Not long after the birth of my son I was working with my father. He was an oral surgeon at the time. In the lab with the rest of the girls in the room he told me in front of witnesses that he had not wanted a third child. Me. He told my mother he would let her have one on the condition that he didn’t have to have anything to do with it. He would give her an allowance to take care of me but other than that he was the sperm donor. I say him beat my mother where as my two much old siblings had already moved out of the house and didn’t see it. If I didn’t do what he wanted me to do he would tell me that I wouldn’t be cut out of his will. Who wants to be in a will of a person that doesn’t know how to love or want to love his own child. He died five years ago at the age of 94. Was I cut out…yes. Did I want the money,,,,no. I wanted his love, I wanted to know what other women felt or feel when they talk about how wonderful their fathers were and their relationships. So yes I know it hurts; sometimes that hurt can turn into anger, It has reflected in my life as well. It is easier to turn yourself inward than to have to deal with any more pain this world will dish up. Opening yourself up person to person is extremely difficult even to have friendships. There are more of out there in this world than there should be. You need to know though you are a good person. There is nothing wrong with you. You have been a victim of someone’s actions. Some one that is suppose to love you unconditionally but they didn’t. The hard part it trying to forgive them. They will never know how wonderful you are or your children. There was something fundamentally wrong with them. We will never know what that is or was. You are not alone it the way that you are feeling.
Thank you for sharing with me. Each time I said I wanted to see him more, he accused me of wanting money. I wanted to spend time with him, as you said. I wanted what my stepsisters had. They say he taught them so much about so many things and I don’t have a clue what they mean. He taught me nothing after the age of nine when he and my mom split. He didn’t really want me and my sister, but then he chose 4 of someone else’s kids. It never made sense. I assumed it was because we reminded him of our mom. They had every privilege growing up while we struggled. That leaves scars that fester. It’s true that it was his shortcomings and not mine, but it’s still hard to remember.
No child should ever go through that. Counseling would help, and prayers even though forgiveness is hard it helps.
I do need counseling, you’re right about that. I’ve tried to forgive him for years and have never managed it.
Forgiveness is very hard but sometimes when you forgive you fine that it lifts the heaviness you feel in your heart.
My nieces went through something similar when my sister passed away last year. Her first marriage ended because her first husband was a junky. She had two daughters with her first. She remarried and had another daughter and then a son. Her second husband helped raise her daughters from her first marriage. He gave them away when they married and was grandpa to their children. Then she passed away and he disowned her first two daughters and their children. So they lost a father and grandfather. I still can’t believe that he just stopped caring about people who he had been so important to for many years. His own children are amazed that their father would turn away from their sisters.
I don’t understand human nature. I suppose that’s why I’m empathetic, so I gained something out of it.